“Many young people are leaving their homes in rural areas to study or work in the cities.
What are the reasons? Do the advantages of this development outweigh its disadvantages?”
What if rural areas are abandoned by the young? The answers to this might be worrying. Nonetheless, this trend can lead to desirable circumstances but in the expense of the people and the environment. This essay will explore what causes young people to leave, and why I believe there will be more difficult situations that may arise.
At the turn of decades (the decade), life has become complicated, and the simple living that people had in the past cannot guarantee better lives. So, as modernization and industrialization thrives, younger individuals are made to leave their hometowns for much better job opportunities; competitive compensation (after semi-colon use a full clause or a list of nouns). In fact, this is what (wrong word – why) practical people usually want lucrative life, if not satisfying (incomplete clause – unclear). As a result of the tempting (temptation), high-paying jobs offered by tons of (informal – a great deal of) companies in urban areas, prospects must have the necessary qualifications; hence, they have to study in-demand courses that are, unfortunately, unavailable in the rural (missing noun – rural areas). Because the students are the future candidates for employment, they have no choice but leave (grammar – to leave).
There is no denying migration to cities is unstoppable, and one dreadful consequence is obviously happening. People may have enjoyed the convenience of city life. However, in the interest of the older people left in country sides (one word – countryside), not any can be counted (unclear). The elderly cannot till the agricultural lands, which may produce good income as the able-bodied are nowhere, while overcrowding is increasingly rising in urbanized towns. This has actually led to the worsening of air pollution due to (missing article – a) heavy influx of cars people use to travel. Moreover, the more people flock in cities, the more wastes are (uncountable noun – waste is) collected. Thus, at the moment, where to dump is another main concern. What is more, stricter competition among the workforce and jobseekers is getting intense, causing the rise in the rate of committing suicide because of stress. South Korea is an example (undeveloped).
To conclude, although improved living condition (plural noun – conditions) and personal advancement are surely found in developed cities, no one would disagree that the unfavorable circumstances are much heavier, specifically when the environment is involved.
TA – 8
CC – 7
L – 8
G – 7
Overall – 7.5
Comment – The answer is well¬ written and contains some good arguments, however, paragraph 3 lacks some development of arguments put forward. The message is easy to follow and ideas are arranged well with good use of cohesive devices. There are minor problems with coherence and at times the structure is faulty. There is a wide range of structures that are mostly well handled with only small problems in the use of vocabulary.